Why Do You Keep Yelling?

Do you think yelling and being firm are the same thing?

Many parents do.

Heck, I know I did until I participated in a “Fighting Fast” a month ago…but more on that later.

Many parents believe in order to be firm, you have to yell. I say yelling is yelling, and that firmness is authority and requires no yelling.

Do you think there’s a connection between the intensity of a parent’s voice and how much learning a child is able to accomplish? I believe there is.

Less learning happens when parents yell. 

I know this oh too well because there have been times that I’ve yelled at my 7 year old son because of something that he did or didn’t do and almost every time that I yelled, he would tell me that he doesn’t like when I yell at him or that I don’t have to yell at him because he can hear me…..guess how small I felt after having a 7 year old tell me about myself?

Smaller than a GNAT.

There are others who agree with me. Nikki S remembers her childhood, “I was yelled at constantly as a kid and to this day I hate yelling, if someone yells at me it makes me want to hide.”

So….

Why do kids Misbehave and….

Why do parents think yelling changes behavior?

I participated in a “Fighting Fast” September 11th to October 11th in an effort to refrain from all forms of fighting.  The goal was to consciously be calm and practice non-aggressive ways to resolve issues with others.  Some of the “rules” of the fast were:

•        No poppin’ off
•        No cussing out and carrying on
•        No voice or fist raising is necessary as I state my words
•        No debating
•        No baiting
•        No manipulating
•        No nagging
•        Don’t get defensive if someone attempts to bait me into a fight (verbally or otherwise) with them.

So what did I learn from this month long fast?

1.      I’m more of a former “hot head” than I ever realized.
2.      My patience with my precious son was not nearly as acceptable as it should have been.
3.      Yelling only deters away from the real issue
4.       My patience with my loving husband was not acceptable and that was discovered after my (2nd) blowup in the middle of the fast.

So I have truly discovered that yelling is useless and does not change the situation nor the behavior that I’m attempting to redirect with my son.

I think it all boils down to the expectations parents have for how children should act. Most parents don’t realize that their anger and yelling may be motivated by a deep-seated belief that kids should be well behaved at all times.

That concept was held by our parents and grandparents, during our childhood, and is unconsciously being replayed in our mind now that we are parents. Since many of us were yelled at as children, we’ve come to assume that yelling is what we’re supposed to do when correcting our child’s behavior.

If you believe that yelling works, then why do you need to yell more than once in order to gain the cooperation you seek?

Ding, ding, ding…..you don’t!

Studies and real life experiences have shown us that yelling at a child produces fear and resentment, not cooperation. Children shouldn’t be forced to behave perfectly all the time; they need to misbehave or disobey so they can learn.

Young children act out. It’s not bad, it’s not wrong, it’s not something they should be made to feel guilty for, and it’s rarely something that requires automatic punishments. Children do require limits, boundaries, rules, and teaching. They also need understanding, empathy, and love.

A Babble article on whether children should be “seen and not heard,” includes this scenario: “If my kid starts wailing and throwing boxes of cereal in Aisle 7, I can’t just apologize and turn the volume off the way I can if my cell phone goes off . . . I can do my best to help her behave well; . . . if she’s losing it, she’s just like any other person with a problem. What she needs is help . . .” And let me add: she doesn’t need yelling.

What A Parent’s Yelling Really Teaches 

We need to change the way we look at our children and their behavior. Kids don’t wake up each morning with a devious plan to create bad behavior, even if it feels that way. They’re not nuisances or irritants and shouldn’t be treated that way. We need to see our children as whole human beings who need help understanding themselves and their behavior, not badly behaved tyrants who need to be controlled and punished.

Parents are supposed to hold their children accountable for their actions and choices. But yelling only teaches a child one thing: how to tune out your yelling. When children emotionally protect themselves by tuning out parental yelling, parents react and feel forced to reach for even more yelling and controlling.

Read some of the parenting concepts and skills I’ve shared so you’re more able to replace your angry reactions with empathetic teaching. This will allow your child to truly hear you and listen to you — even when he’s emotional.

Sharon Silver is the author of Stop Reacting and Start Responding and the Skills e-class. Visit proactiveparenting.net to download two free chapters from her book and learn about other Proactive Parenting programs.

See the article that inspired this post.

Do you find yourself yelling constantly at your children and if so, what results do you get?

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